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Baptisms


In October 2019, I laid in a hospital bed in critical condition, yet again, after another simple procedure. I woke up to my doctor looking like an angel by my bedside. I had only known Shannon for a couple of weeks at that point. She said "Jan, can you please tell me about Kiera?" I told her about how much I loved being pregnant with her. I spoke about the time Ryan and I had with our sweet girl, and about all the dreams we had with her which we never got to live out. I told Shannon that we had Kiera baptized in the hospital before we said goodbye to her with our parents. It was the most heart wrenching experience that I couldn't ever imagine. I reminisced on the trip that Ryan and I took to Paris to honor her first birthday, where I tried to fill the hole in my heart with wine, cheese, butter and designer handbags. Shannon and I laughed, and cried, until the sun came up through the hospital window. She said "You will have another baby. I won't rest until that baby is in your arms, and at home with you and Ryan. " "Do you promise?" I asked. "I promise" she replied. I said, "Well, if and when that happens, you'll be the Godmother." "Do you promise?" she asked. "I promise" I said.

Ryan and I have had two children baptized, and the experiences and emotions couldn't be any more different than each other. I would have never even thought to have Kiera baptized once the doctors told us we didn't have much time left with her. Ryan and I were overcome with shock, sadness and anger. We just spent the past twelve hours making life or death medical decisions for our little girl, and the worst possible outcome, the small "chance" had happened. Ryan's mom is the one who immediately called for a priest. I'm so grateful for her clarity and foresight even through her own pain. In those moments, the last thing that I thought I wanted in that room were any signs of God; he betrayed us. The NICU nurses brought in a selection of baptismal gowns for me to chose from. I don't remember what the thought process was behind my decision. I think I picked the one that I hated the least. I remember thinking what a sweet gesture it was, but this was not the plan I had for my little girl's baptism, or her dress, and I hated everything about this new plan. The nurses dressed Kiera because she was hooked up to too many machines at this point for me to change her. Doctors and social workers were in and out of the dark room asking for me and Ryan's signatures. I don't even remember witnessing a baptism. Our parents are on the baptismal certificate as witnesses and Godparents.

What I do remember is Ryan holding Kiera in that white gown that I chose. He was talking to our little girl, and struggling to tell her how much they were supposed to do together. I decided not to hold her again because I knew that if I did, I would never ever put her down. I held her for 9+ months and again when she came into this world seemingly strong. I thought I would have a lifetime of holding her.

Ryan rocked our sweetheart to sleep forever, in her little white baptismal dress. We know that she ran straight into Jesus' arms because her short, although very significant journey on earth was now complete.

When we got home from Boston, we had to begin funeral arrangements. The thing that I had strong feelings about was that we were not to have a funeral mass in St. Ann's, our local parish. That is where we were going to have Kiera baptized and it was the peaceful place that Ryan and I shared the 10 years we've each lived in Hoboken. If we had a funeral mass there, I'd never be able to go back or have any of our future babies baptized there. I wanted it to stay a place of hope and happiness for me and Ryan.


Fast forward nearly 4 years, to November 21st, 2022. Our miracle, Rory John, was baptized at St. Ann's with his Godparents, Uncle Richie and Aunt Shannon - my angel doctor, by his side. It was one of the most beautiful, emotional and meaningful days of my life. Baptisms are all special and important. But Rory's was a day that I had dreamed of for my baby for so many years. It was the way a baptism should be celebrated and because of our experience with Kiera, it was that much sweeter. We were surrounded by our beaming family and friends who had been by our sides through it all. I knew that it wasn't just God who was welcoming Rory into his family. Rory's big sister was in that church smiling along her family and vowing to forever take care of her little brother.

As Rory is growing, he has amazed us with the patience and awe that he has at mass on Sundays, as well as the unexplainable signs that he knows there is another side of this life. The mark that God, and his guardian angel Kiera Marie, have made on him shine through every single day.

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